blah-ish

I've been feeling an inarticuable sadness for the last 2 days. I feel so frustrated with myself. I am making these horrible choices that don't support the woman I am. I stayed on the couch in my pj's today until 5pm! I just lazed around and ate all day. That is not the person I want to be. I just feel so trapped and strapped. There is so much goodness and abundance in my life to be grateful for, but I just don't feel happy. I wish I were THRILLED and EXCITED to wake up each day. My life has not turned out the way I want it to be, and I feel impotent to change it. I'm merely existing - not living. I am so blah...

I normally write on here re: how I'm going to change my life. But tonight, I think I'll just cry. I'm so shocked and surprised and saddened by the grey state of my life.

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aviva isobel

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In need of a costume change...

...in so many ways. The Tarab Troupe is starting in September, and I need a hot bellydance costume. This is so very exciting! Now I just need to lose 30 lbs!

Another way I am in need of a costume change is that I need a career change. I had an epiphany today about my job. All throughout law school, I felt like I didn't fit in. I chalked it up to my poor self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy, but now I see it was because IT WAS NOT WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE! I never wanted to be a lawyer. I still don't want to be a lawyer. I say this - but I like my job. I love my colleagues. I love my house and my car and the hope of my vacations! I like having $ to buy things and live well. It all looks swell on the outside, but I just do not feel satisfied. I'm so stressed out. And I know everyone says that, but my hair is falling out! I actually have a bald spot on my head. I feel like crying all the time. I feel empty and artless and dull. I want to be fulfilled and creative and vivacious. THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I INTEND FOR MYSELF. Something has to change. I know I will attract the way to my authentic self.

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Acting Differently....

What I love most about being alone is that I have time to think about my life, write about my perfect life and fantasize about my future. Also - I'm free to watch endless episodes of Sex & the City re-runs without anyone complaining. I've decided in my time here in London, that I'm going to do only 3 things differently every week to support my goal of achieving my perfect weight of 127 lbs.

1. Dress up everyday [I always feel better when I look fierce!]
   
2. Drink 3L/water daily
3. No food after 8 pm

I figure that if I adopt 3 new habits then soon enough I'll be a whole new and improved person!

I'm also researching bellydance costumes online. I've got to figure something out about copious amounts of fringe to camoflage my belly roll [which soon will be flat as Saskatchewan!] But in the mean time, I need some sequins and fringe to distract the eye from my muffin top!

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[insert witty title]

Whew! What a weekend! It was spent mostly at home - reading the latest [and possibly last!] Harry Potter book. It was 608 pages of blissful exciting entertainment. I was so pleased with how everything was tied together. Ahhhh....oh how I will miss these "friends."

Other than that, I had my first party this week. It was an amazing success! We had ~25 ppl here and everyone loved our gorgeous home. Our home did look fabulous! We went to Target last week and spent lots of $$$ on chic decorations for the house. Everything is really coming together. There is still some pretty major things to do [ie. mirrors, backsplash, undercabinet lighting, etc.], but it will just have to wait for now because WE are GOING ON VACATION!!!

Paris & Marrakech.... it's completely amazing. We are so blessed.

And honey - I'm going to look FIERCE!!!!! I'm going to be so hot for our vacation.

And I'm going to be so HOT for my bellydance performances. Johorah is a fantastic teacher and I'm so lucky to be studying under her. We start our training in September - and that's when she'll give us our stage names. I'm going to follow Johorah - and look the part. I want to exude confidence, femininity and positivity.

Anyway - NO MORE EXCUSES for me to stay FAT. I'm motivated to achieve my perfect weight of 127 lbs. I've set weekly goals for 2lbs weight loss - w/ rewards @ the end of the week. I achieved my goal this week. Next week - I will weigh 157 lbs and I will treat myself to a lovely manicure.

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Fashionorexia

There is a distinct absence of style and fashion in my life. I've become schleppy - mostly because I've gained about 20 lbs in the last year. I want a lithe body, with a lean belly and slim thighs and tight arms. I don't want my body to jiggle or wiggle where it's not supposed to. Unfortunately I forget my "fashionorexia" when I feel a bit peckish. I want to be slender so much.

I think my weight has always held me back from achieving the level of success to which I aspire. I think that is a bit pathetic - but very true. I spend so much time & energy focusing on my weight that I'm missing out on the life of my dreams. I want to LIVE LIFE - not diet. But I need to get down to my perfect weight so I can live this fabulous life of my dreams!

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I absolutely adore this photo of me. It's exciting to learn how to "blog" - although, admittedly, I still have a lot of work to do. I've really taken to Raqs Sharqi - belly dance sounds a bit tawdry, although descriptive. I've been deepening my practice. I can't wait for my dance class on Wednesday.

So - I'm now learning how to scan my photos. My next thing is to download photos to have them printed so I can take my scrapbooking to the next level. I'm so over the 4x6 traditional prints. I need som FUN and GLAMOUR to my photos.

I think Adair & I are going to start our own blog, especially since we're planning our exotic [and much needed!] ADVENTURE VACATION!

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I absolutely love our new home. At first it seemed so new, but now it feels more like home. I think it's me that still feels alone and barren. I have so much to write, so much to say...but nothing comes out in this blog thing.

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