Blank Blog...

The long weekend is waning. So much to blog about, but I've blanked AGAIN on all my ideas. We went to grandma's for Thanksgiving and it was lovely to be with all the family, but it was FREEZING! I also noticed that our family lacks real traditions, especially for such a meaningful holiday like Thanksgiving. I'm not being critical, just observant. I spoke to DH and we decided to create some of our own traditions with our own family. Speaking of which, we're TTC again. We'll see how that goes. We have a lot of research to do.

I started running in the mornings w/ a buddy last week. It went well and I'm very excited to continue! With all my rehearsals and running, I'm going to be impossibly fit and chic in no time.

We're so excited for our trip! 32 days! I can't wait for the shopping in the souks! I'm going to buy laterns, tea sets, bellydance costumes, slippers, sandals, purses, fabric, etc! I'm hopeful the colours are as vibrant, the smells are as aromatic, and the sites are as memorable as I imagine them to be.

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Office Max Coupon

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Introducing ZAYNAH!

That's now my belly dance stage name! Very exciting. It means "beautiful." I'm so stoked for our Tarab Troupe. I'm happy to be rehearsing.

We're sorting out costumes now. Again - inspiring me to lose the weight! I must do cardio. I must do my strength training.

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Shana Tova!!!

Happy Jewish New Year! I feel so exhilarated and happy! Tonight was my 1st belly dance class this season and it totally RAQS! Our class is smaller and it's much easier to see our moves in the mirror. I completely adore Joharah! She's so glamorous and graceful and glorious. I'm so blessed to have her as my teacher. We even started our new choreography tonight and it's hot! It's fast and fierce, and we're going to use veils! Every time I enter the studio, it inspires me to live my life to be a better dancer. That means to be fitter and faster and committed to dance orientale. The most important thing I can do for myself is to achieve my perfect weight of 127 lbs. I'm thinking of doing Dr. Bernstein. I want to lose weight superfast. Dad's lost more than 20 lbs in less than 2 weeks. If I follow Dr. Bernstein religiously, I should be able to lose 35 lbs in 2 months. Once I lose the weight I'm going to get 20 inch extensions! I'm excited to blast fat by going to gym, running, dancing, pilates and everything I love to do!

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4 days

So I lasted 4 days on Joshi. It was fine, but I feel the same. I felt rotten for a few days, but it was fine the 3rd and 4th day. But the whole thing isn't for me. I'm happy to eat healthy and whole all on my own. I don't want the wacky restrictions.

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aviva yael

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Preparing for Joshi Detox

So - here I go. I'm doing it! I'm going to do the Joshi Detox. It's going to take a lot of preparation & time in the kitchen, but I'm looking forward to it. Other friends have completed the detox and have raved about its benefits. The shops are closed because it's Labour Day today so I haven't had a chance to pick up all my organic produce. What I don't like about the book is that I don't really know what I can eat - it tells me what I can't it, but I'm not entirely sure what I can eat. The key to this detox is preparation. I love fresh, whole foods - delicious produce, grains, yogurt., white meats, fresh water, refreshing herbal teas, etc.

I'm excited to feel rejuvenated and full of energy. I'm excited to treat my body with respect and live the life I'm meant to lead. I want to fill my body with goodness and wholeness. I always want to keep active and prepare my body for a long, healthy life.

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Life changes

I'm thinking about change. Change of body, change of scenery, change of atmosphere, change of career...CHANGE is just about every aspect of my life. Change, however, is scary and uncomfortable. I'm aching to change. I'm excited to change. But what am I changing???

My Body - slim, muscular, lean, long, cared-for

My Clothes - glamorous, thoughtful, be-jewelled, sophisticated

My Work - artful, creative, independent, successful

My Mind - positive, brilliant, articulate, well-read

My Home - tidy, organized, chic, comfortable

I think I missed my calling in advertising or magazines. I think I would be brilliant at that - a cool mix of fashion, celebrity, colour, art, & creativity. But unfortunately, I don't want to to work those kinds of hours anymore. Maybe I would like it if I were decently compensated and I was passionate about my work!

Oh! I'm also thinking of getting a tattoo... I don't know why, but I'm craving a tattoo. I've never even considered getting one before. What would I get? I think the downsides of getting a tattoo are overwhelming [it's against my religion, I'm too fat and it'll stretch out really ugly, it's going to look horrible when I'm older], but the intrigue still exists...

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You're never too old to pick up your dancing shoes...

I've been contemplating taking dance classes again. I'm auditioning for Kelly's dance company next Thursday. I'm also interested in taking tap classes and pilates.

Once I incorporate Joshi's Diet and running and strength training, I'll be a lean, mean dancing queen machine :)

I'm super excited to dance again. I love love love my bellydance, but I'm stoked to do jazz, tap and modern too. Adding pilates will be the icing on the cake :)

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healthy healing

my surgery went well. now the healing begins. i want to get off the pain meds asap. i woke up early today to have a shower and feel like a proper person again. i want to relax and enjoy my super-long weekend. i want to go to the gym and work out and blast fat and get tight :) i'm sick of being rolly and round. i want to eat right and fill my body with goodness.

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Life-Change

So. I'm going for my surgery today @ 4pm. I'm a bit nervous. I had a rough night. I felt nauseated and had trouble sleeping.

I feel strongly that NOW is the time to change my routine.

Monday -Run - 90 mins, BodyFlow

Tuesday - Run - 90 mins

Wednesday - Run - 45 mins, BellyDance - 60 mins

Thursday -Run - 45 mins, Pilates/Dance - 60 mins

Friday - Run - 60 mins,

Saturday -Run - 90 mins

Sunday - Walk - 60 mins, BellyDance - 60 mins

I do not want to live like this anymore. I want to change. I'm excited. I'm thinking of doing WW again too. Maybe this time will stick.

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Regeneration

i feel out of sorts and off. i feel scared and stressed and unbalanced. i feel sick and mucky. my brain is fuzzy from my pain medication. i haven't had a proper meal. i've just been over-eating junk food and crap. i feel fat and sick and guilty. i want to live cleaner and eat better and feel healthier. this life is a LIE and i'm on the road to future illness. serious illness. i'm setting myself up for dis-ease and i can prevent it now. it's all mental management. i can achieve whatever i want!!!

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Reason...

After a long day filled with a comedy of errors, the cause of my pain was diagnosed. I need an emergency root canal! Eeek! I'm having the procedure done on Thursday and taking Friday off, so I'll have the long weekend to recover. I'm seriously happy that it's a physical problem and not a psychological problem [ie. stress related].

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pain pain go away

Last Friday my jaw started to hurt. I noticed that I had been clenching my jaw for a long period of time and immediately tried to relax my jaw. Ever since then my jaw has been constantly aching, and it makes it hard for me to do anything. I don't want to focus on the pain because I don't want it to get worse. But it hurts!!! Last night Adair got me some harder meds from SB so I could at least sleep. They make me too tired to take them in the day, so I'll just have to deal with it. I should really see a dentist too. Like I should see a doctor for my bald spot. It's like my body is rejecting my career. I wish for myself peace, comfort and less stress...

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The Changing Face of Saturdays

It's almost 4pm on Saturday afternoon. Ususally I spend Saturdays shopping in fancy stores for things I covet [not need], but lately my financial situation has been depressing and I've been sleeping in late and spending my Saturdays at home. I'm also trying to save $ for Morocco.

I'm a bit shocked about the # on my scale. I tried to eat right [well okay] all week and I ran and went to the gym. I hate that stupid scale. The thing is that I feel better and I look better, but my scale says I've gained more than 5 lbs!!! It's freakin' ridiculous. I'm so sick of being down on myself. I'm cute and fierce and curvy and sassy.

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Fortes Fortuna Juvat

Fortune Favours the Brave

I wish I could muster the courage - the real courage - to change my life to that of my dreams...

"All my life I've wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should've been more specific." - Janet Wagner, Playwright

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Being a Life Artist

Being at crown school this week has been very educational. I've realized that my strengths lie somewhere else - like a being a life artist...a scrapbook designer. I really want to focus on my exit strategy. How can I do this? Right now - I'm enjoying my job, my colleagues, my office. Part of being a life artist means the following:

• Be creative everyday
• Go with the flow
• Celebrate & Document the everyday
• Cherish the little stuff
• Find your voice
• Keep it simple
• Know it's going to be ok
• Enjoy the process

"Life art is about living with intention - with our eyes open to all the crazy, cool, interesting things happening in our world."

"We are shaped and fashionable by what we love." - Goethe

I want to talk to A to discuss this seriously. How can it work? We'd have to live a lot smaller in the beginning - and I definitely like to "live large."

Another thing...I'm kind of sad that I have PMS symptoms. It means that I'm not pregnant. I wish I were pregnant. That would make my transition to my dream career easier, that's for sure. It makes me a little sad. I know that it's just not the right time now. I know that God will give us a baby when the time is right. I just have to be hopeful & patient.

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It Gurrrl!

Okay - I didn't run this morning. I slept in, then it's too hot. I probably should've went anyway - I'd sweat more calories. But I can't undo what's done.

Watching TV makes me want to snack...

Today I want to buy some summer casual clothes. Everything should be on sale this time of year. We really don't have the $ for a spree, so if I buy anything I have to spend wisely. I need some camis in different colours. Most of my camis are size small [I'm not a size small right now...]. I need black, brown, purple, pink, nude, and white camis. Adair is in desperate need of some clothes too. In reality, we both just need to lose 20 lbs.

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More, more...

More! I've been studying with Johorah for months now and I really want to emulate her style. She's effortlessly flawless and classically chic. Her hair is always so gorgeous - so long, luscious. Her nails are always done. She is beautifully bronzed and perfectly toned. I want to be like that. I can do things now that will help me achieve this look.

• I can ensure my nails are always done. It's a small thing, but it makes a huge difference
• I can go tanning
• I can make sure my hair is done. I can wait for extensions
• I can make an effort to look "done" everyday!
  

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hmmmm...

I'm really liking purple lately - in all its' gloriorious shades. So I'm blogging in a striking violet colour today...

So yes - hmmmmm.... I don't want to describe myself or my life as "icky" and sad, so I'll just say, hmmmmm... I feel like I'm drowning [in debt, in fat, in depression, in lethargy, in dullness in...all aspects]. I know that I can save myself. I know I can attract the way. I want so much more. I'm intensely optimistic that I'm on the verge of my dream life. I want to receive my perfect weight of 127 lbs. I want to be a successful entrepreneur and make a good living as a scrapbook artist.

I want to run and dance and shimmy and sing and create art and sleep well and pray longer and study my scriptures more diligently and love my current job and be more articulate and be healthy and be happy and more loving and receive more love....

Is that too much to wish for?

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blah-ish

I've been feeling an inarticuable sadness for the last 2 days. I feel so frustrated with myself. I am making these horrible choices that don't support the woman I am. I stayed on the couch in my pj's today until 5pm! I just lazed around and ate all day. That is not the person I want to be. I just feel so trapped and strapped. There is so much goodness and abundance in my life to be grateful for, but I just don't feel happy. I wish I were THRILLED and EXCITED to wake up each day. My life has not turned out the way I want it to be, and I feel impotent to change it. I'm merely existing - not living. I am so blah...

I normally write on here re: how I'm going to change my life. But tonight, I think I'll just cry. I'm so shocked and surprised and saddened by the grey state of my life.

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aviva isobel

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In need of a costume change...

...in so many ways. The Tarab Troupe is starting in September, and I need a hot bellydance costume. This is so very exciting! Now I just need to lose 30 lbs!

Another way I am in need of a costume change is that I need a career change. I had an epiphany today about my job. All throughout law school, I felt like I didn't fit in. I chalked it up to my poor self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy, but now I see it was because IT WAS NOT WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE! I never wanted to be a lawyer. I still don't want to be a lawyer. I say this - but I like my job. I love my colleagues. I love my house and my car and the hope of my vacations! I like having $ to buy things and live well. It all looks swell on the outside, but I just do not feel satisfied. I'm so stressed out. And I know everyone says that, but my hair is falling out! I actually have a bald spot on my head. I feel like crying all the time. I feel empty and artless and dull. I want to be fulfilled and creative and vivacious. THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I INTEND FOR MYSELF. Something has to change. I know I will attract the way to my authentic self.

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Acting Differently....

What I love most about being alone is that I have time to think about my life, write about my perfect life and fantasize about my future. Also - I'm free to watch endless episodes of Sex & the City re-runs without anyone complaining. I've decided in my time here in London, that I'm going to do only 3 things differently every week to support my goal of achieving my perfect weight of 127 lbs.

1. Dress up everyday [I always feel better when I look fierce!]
   
2. Drink 3L/water daily
3. No food after 8 pm

I figure that if I adopt 3 new habits then soon enough I'll be a whole new and improved person!

I'm also researching bellydance costumes online. I've got to figure something out about copious amounts of fringe to camoflage my belly roll [which soon will be flat as Saskatchewan!] But in the mean time, I need some sequins and fringe to distract the eye from my muffin top!

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[insert witty title]

Whew! What a weekend! It was spent mostly at home - reading the latest [and possibly last!] Harry Potter book. It was 608 pages of blissful exciting entertainment. I was so pleased with how everything was tied together. Ahhhh....oh how I will miss these "friends."

Other than that, I had my first party this week. It was an amazing success! We had ~25 ppl here and everyone loved our gorgeous home. Our home did look fabulous! We went to Target last week and spent lots of $$$ on chic decorations for the house. Everything is really coming together. There is still some pretty major things to do [ie. mirrors, backsplash, undercabinet lighting, etc.], but it will just have to wait for now because WE are GOING ON VACATION!!!

Paris & Marrakech.... it's completely amazing. We are so blessed.

And honey - I'm going to look FIERCE!!!!! I'm going to be so hot for our vacation.

And I'm going to be so HOT for my bellydance performances. Johorah is a fantastic teacher and I'm so lucky to be studying under her. We start our training in September - and that's when she'll give us our stage names. I'm going to follow Johorah - and look the part. I want to exude confidence, femininity and positivity.

Anyway - NO MORE EXCUSES for me to stay FAT. I'm motivated to achieve my perfect weight of 127 lbs. I've set weekly goals for 2lbs weight loss - w/ rewards @ the end of the week. I achieved my goal this week. Next week - I will weigh 157 lbs and I will treat myself to a lovely manicure.

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Fashionorexia

There is a distinct absence of style and fashion in my life. I've become schleppy - mostly because I've gained about 20 lbs in the last year. I want a lithe body, with a lean belly and slim thighs and tight arms. I don't want my body to jiggle or wiggle where it's not supposed to. Unfortunately I forget my "fashionorexia" when I feel a bit peckish. I want to be slender so much.

I think my weight has always held me back from achieving the level of success to which I aspire. I think that is a bit pathetic - but very true. I spend so much time & energy focusing on my weight that I'm missing out on the life of my dreams. I want to LIVE LIFE - not diet. But I need to get down to my perfect weight so I can live this fabulous life of my dreams!

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I absolutely adore this photo of me. It's exciting to learn how to "blog" - although, admittedly, I still have a lot of work to do. I've really taken to Raqs Sharqi - belly dance sounds a bit tawdry, although descriptive. I've been deepening my practice. I can't wait for my dance class on Wednesday.

So - I'm now learning how to scan my photos. My next thing is to download photos to have them printed so I can take my scrapbooking to the next level. I'm so over the 4x6 traditional prints. I need som FUN and GLAMOUR to my photos.

I think Adair & I are going to start our own blog, especially since we're planning our exotic [and much needed!] ADVENTURE VACATION!

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I absolutely love our new home. At first it seemed so new, but now it feels more like home. I think it's me that still feels alone and barren. I have so much to write, so much to say...but nothing comes out in this blog thing.

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for some reason i'm mute

I want to be witty & artful....

So - my first belly dance performance has come & gone...and it was FANTASTIC! What a rush. I completely love performing. We're dancing again this weekend @ another local event. I just rec'd a global email from my teacher re: forming a performance troupe and I REALLY want to be selected. I feel so drawn to the art of belly dance. It just feels natural, but it's a wonderful challenge to "nail" the moves.

What a crazy week it's been. I had a meltdown last week, and I've been building myself up again. I've been trying to focus my thoughts on perfection in all aspects of my life -- my body - my ART - my dance - my career - my Spirituality. I just don't want to have to WORK so hard at my career anymore. There is so much more I want to do w/ my life. My scrapbook business needs some work. I definitely have goals for myself. I wish myself endless energy & confidence to achieve ALL of my ambitions. I'm receiving ALL good things into my life.

Additionally, we're also focusing on starting a family. Another thing to think about, but it's not a stressor - it's a PLEASURE! I'm so excited to get pregnant! I think my life will DRAMATICALLY change for the better. Having a little one will be a challenge, but I desperately need a change.

It's funny that I don't write in here more often. I often observe fuuny things during the day that deserve to be blogged, but once I sit at the computer - I feel mute. I want to CHANGE that and channel my CREATIVITY and ENERGY!

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Memories of me

More than week in the house now, and we're still sorting through boxes. I'm amazed how much stuff we've accumulated. I feel like my writing has seriously suffered over the past while. I really blame law school and being a lawyer. It has really sucked the joy, sunniness, & frivolity of my past life. Or maybe...I'm just getting older. But I find it hard to believe how my creativity can be so stunted. Words used to flow - create magic on the page. I long to have the succulent style that used to define me when I was fun & fabulous. I feel boring, sterile and predictable.

"What does love feel like? I imagine love to be simple, yest acutely complex; fluid, yet thick; supernatural, yet starkly real; spilling over, yet just enough. I want to be fully met on every level by my partner. I want to be sloppy & seep out the edges. I want to do backbends and headstands, and sing wildly. I want love to be too much. I want to be frightened and comforted by love. I want to believe and trust and dance." - April 12, 2000

As we put together my scrapbooking room tonight, I dreamed of the day when I can work from home with my own custom scrapbook design business - Scrapendipity. I can CREATE and CONTROL my life...

I want SARK. I want Sabrina Ward Harrison. I want to publish. I want to CREATE. I want to live a FULL life that is joyful & optimistic & bright.

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