Life-Change

So. I'm going for my surgery today @ 4pm. I'm a bit nervous. I had a rough night. I felt nauseated and had trouble sleeping.

I feel strongly that NOW is the time to change my routine.

Monday -Run - 90 mins, BodyFlow

Tuesday - Run - 90 mins

Wednesday - Run - 45 mins, BellyDance - 60 mins

Thursday -Run - 45 mins, Pilates/Dance - 60 mins

Friday - Run - 60 mins,

Saturday -Run - 90 mins

Sunday - Walk - 60 mins, BellyDance - 60 mins

I do not want to live like this anymore. I want to change. I'm excited. I'm thinking of doing WW again too. Maybe this time will stick.

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Regeneration

i feel out of sorts and off. i feel scared and stressed and unbalanced. i feel sick and mucky. my brain is fuzzy from my pain medication. i haven't had a proper meal. i've just been over-eating junk food and crap. i feel fat and sick and guilty. i want to live cleaner and eat better and feel healthier. this life is a LIE and i'm on the road to future illness. serious illness. i'm setting myself up for dis-ease and i can prevent it now. it's all mental management. i can achieve whatever i want!!!

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Reason...

After a long day filled with a comedy of errors, the cause of my pain was diagnosed. I need an emergency root canal! Eeek! I'm having the procedure done on Thursday and taking Friday off, so I'll have the long weekend to recover. I'm seriously happy that it's a physical problem and not a psychological problem [ie. stress related].

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pain pain go away

Last Friday my jaw started to hurt. I noticed that I had been clenching my jaw for a long period of time and immediately tried to relax my jaw. Ever since then my jaw has been constantly aching, and it makes it hard for me to do anything. I don't want to focus on the pain because I don't want it to get worse. But it hurts!!! Last night Adair got me some harder meds from SB so I could at least sleep. They make me too tired to take them in the day, so I'll just have to deal with it. I should really see a dentist too. Like I should see a doctor for my bald spot. It's like my body is rejecting my career. I wish for myself peace, comfort and less stress...

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The Changing Face of Saturdays

It's almost 4pm on Saturday afternoon. Ususally I spend Saturdays shopping in fancy stores for things I covet [not need], but lately my financial situation has been depressing and I've been sleeping in late and spending my Saturdays at home. I'm also trying to save $ for Morocco.

I'm a bit shocked about the # on my scale. I tried to eat right [well okay] all week and I ran and went to the gym. I hate that stupid scale. The thing is that I feel better and I look better, but my scale says I've gained more than 5 lbs!!! It's freakin' ridiculous. I'm so sick of being down on myself. I'm cute and fierce and curvy and sassy.

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Fortes Fortuna Juvat

Fortune Favours the Brave

I wish I could muster the courage - the real courage - to change my life to that of my dreams...

"All my life I've wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should've been more specific." - Janet Wagner, Playwright

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Being a Life Artist

Being at crown school this week has been very educational. I've realized that my strengths lie somewhere else - like a being a life artist...a scrapbook designer. I really want to focus on my exit strategy. How can I do this? Right now - I'm enjoying my job, my colleagues, my office. Part of being a life artist means the following:

• Be creative everyday
• Go with the flow
• Celebrate & Document the everyday
• Cherish the little stuff
• Find your voice
• Keep it simple
• Know it's going to be ok
• Enjoy the process

"Life art is about living with intention - with our eyes open to all the crazy, cool, interesting things happening in our world."

"We are shaped and fashionable by what we love." - Goethe

I want to talk to A to discuss this seriously. How can it work? We'd have to live a lot smaller in the beginning - and I definitely like to "live large."

Another thing...I'm kind of sad that I have PMS symptoms. It means that I'm not pregnant. I wish I were pregnant. That would make my transition to my dream career easier, that's for sure. It makes me a little sad. I know that it's just not the right time now. I know that God will give us a baby when the time is right. I just have to be hopeful & patient.

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It Gurrrl!

Okay - I didn't run this morning. I slept in, then it's too hot. I probably should've went anyway - I'd sweat more calories. But I can't undo what's done.

Watching TV makes me want to snack...

Today I want to buy some summer casual clothes. Everything should be on sale this time of year. We really don't have the $ for a spree, so if I buy anything I have to spend wisely. I need some camis in different colours. Most of my camis are size small [I'm not a size small right now...]. I need black, brown, purple, pink, nude, and white camis. Adair is in desperate need of some clothes too. In reality, we both just need to lose 20 lbs.

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More, more...

More! I've been studying with Johorah for months now and I really want to emulate her style. She's effortlessly flawless and classically chic. Her hair is always so gorgeous - so long, luscious. Her nails are always done. She is beautifully bronzed and perfectly toned. I want to be like that. I can do things now that will help me achieve this look.

• I can ensure my nails are always done. It's a small thing, but it makes a huge difference
• I can go tanning
• I can make sure my hair is done. I can wait for extensions
• I can make an effort to look "done" everyday!
  

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hmmmm...

I'm really liking purple lately - in all its' gloriorious shades. So I'm blogging in a striking violet colour today...

So yes - hmmmmm.... I don't want to describe myself or my life as "icky" and sad, so I'll just say, hmmmmm... I feel like I'm drowning [in debt, in fat, in depression, in lethargy, in dullness in...all aspects]. I know that I can save myself. I know I can attract the way. I want so much more. I'm intensely optimistic that I'm on the verge of my dream life. I want to receive my perfect weight of 127 lbs. I want to be a successful entrepreneur and make a good living as a scrapbook artist.

I want to run and dance and shimmy and sing and create art and sleep well and pray longer and study my scriptures more diligently and love my current job and be more articulate and be healthy and be happy and more loving and receive more love....

Is that too much to wish for?

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blah-ish

I've been feeling an inarticuable sadness for the last 2 days. I feel so frustrated with myself. I am making these horrible choices that don't support the woman I am. I stayed on the couch in my pj's today until 5pm! I just lazed around and ate all day. That is not the person I want to be. I just feel so trapped and strapped. There is so much goodness and abundance in my life to be grateful for, but I just don't feel happy. I wish I were THRILLED and EXCITED to wake up each day. My life has not turned out the way I want it to be, and I feel impotent to change it. I'm merely existing - not living. I am so blah...

I normally write on here re: how I'm going to change my life. But tonight, I think I'll just cry. I'm so shocked and surprised and saddened by the grey state of my life.

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aviva isobel

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In need of a costume change...

...in so many ways. The Tarab Troupe is starting in September, and I need a hot bellydance costume. This is so very exciting! Now I just need to lose 30 lbs!

Another way I am in need of a costume change is that I need a career change. I had an epiphany today about my job. All throughout law school, I felt like I didn't fit in. I chalked it up to my poor self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy, but now I see it was because IT WAS NOT WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE! I never wanted to be a lawyer. I still don't want to be a lawyer. I say this - but I like my job. I love my colleagues. I love my house and my car and the hope of my vacations! I like having $ to buy things and live well. It all looks swell on the outside, but I just do not feel satisfied. I'm so stressed out. And I know everyone says that, but my hair is falling out! I actually have a bald spot on my head. I feel like crying all the time. I feel empty and artless and dull. I want to be fulfilled and creative and vivacious. THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I INTEND FOR MYSELF. Something has to change. I know I will attract the way to my authentic self.

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Acting Differently....

What I love most about being alone is that I have time to think about my life, write about my perfect life and fantasize about my future. Also - I'm free to watch endless episodes of Sex & the City re-runs without anyone complaining. I've decided in my time here in London, that I'm going to do only 3 things differently every week to support my goal of achieving my perfect weight of 127 lbs.

1. Dress up everyday [I always feel better when I look fierce!]
   
2. Drink 3L/water daily
3. No food after 8 pm

I figure that if I adopt 3 new habits then soon enough I'll be a whole new and improved person!

I'm also researching bellydance costumes online. I've got to figure something out about copious amounts of fringe to camoflage my belly roll [which soon will be flat as Saskatchewan!] But in the mean time, I need some sequins and fringe to distract the eye from my muffin top!

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[insert witty title]

Whew! What a weekend! It was spent mostly at home - reading the latest [and possibly last!] Harry Potter book. It was 608 pages of blissful exciting entertainment. I was so pleased with how everything was tied together. Ahhhh....oh how I will miss these "friends."

Other than that, I had my first party this week. It was an amazing success! We had ~25 ppl here and everyone loved our gorgeous home. Our home did look fabulous! We went to Target last week and spent lots of $$$ on chic decorations for the house. Everything is really coming together. There is still some pretty major things to do [ie. mirrors, backsplash, undercabinet lighting, etc.], but it will just have to wait for now because WE are GOING ON VACATION!!!

Paris & Marrakech.... it's completely amazing. We are so blessed.

And honey - I'm going to look FIERCE!!!!! I'm going to be so hot for our vacation.

And I'm going to be so HOT for my bellydance performances. Johorah is a fantastic teacher and I'm so lucky to be studying under her. We start our training in September - and that's when she'll give us our stage names. I'm going to follow Johorah - and look the part. I want to exude confidence, femininity and positivity.

Anyway - NO MORE EXCUSES for me to stay FAT. I'm motivated to achieve my perfect weight of 127 lbs. I've set weekly goals for 2lbs weight loss - w/ rewards @ the end of the week. I achieved my goal this week. Next week - I will weigh 157 lbs and I will treat myself to a lovely manicure.

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Fashionorexia

There is a distinct absence of style and fashion in my life. I've become schleppy - mostly because I've gained about 20 lbs in the last year. I want a lithe body, with a lean belly and slim thighs and tight arms. I don't want my body to jiggle or wiggle where it's not supposed to. Unfortunately I forget my "fashionorexia" when I feel a bit peckish. I want to be slender so much.

I think my weight has always held me back from achieving the level of success to which I aspire. I think that is a bit pathetic - but very true. I spend so much time & energy focusing on my weight that I'm missing out on the life of my dreams. I want to LIVE LIFE - not diet. But I need to get down to my perfect weight so I can live this fabulous life of my dreams!

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I absolutely adore this photo of me. It's exciting to learn how to "blog" - although, admittedly, I still have a lot of work to do. I've really taken to Raqs Sharqi - belly dance sounds a bit tawdry, although descriptive. I've been deepening my practice. I can't wait for my dance class on Wednesday.

So - I'm now learning how to scan my photos. My next thing is to download photos to have them printed so I can take my scrapbooking to the next level. I'm so over the 4x6 traditional prints. I need som FUN and GLAMOUR to my photos.

I think Adair & I are going to start our own blog, especially since we're planning our exotic [and much needed!] ADVENTURE VACATION!

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I absolutely love our new home. At first it seemed so new, but now it feels more like home. I think it's me that still feels alone and barren. I have so much to write, so much to say...but nothing comes out in this blog thing.

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for some reason i'm mute

I want to be witty & artful....

So - my first belly dance performance has come & gone...and it was FANTASTIC! What a rush. I completely love performing. We're dancing again this weekend @ another local event. I just rec'd a global email from my teacher re: forming a performance troupe and I REALLY want to be selected. I feel so drawn to the art of belly dance. It just feels natural, but it's a wonderful challenge to "nail" the moves.

What a crazy week it's been. I had a meltdown last week, and I've been building myself up again. I've been trying to focus my thoughts on perfection in all aspects of my life -- my body - my ART - my dance - my career - my Spirituality. I just don't want to have to WORK so hard at my career anymore. There is so much more I want to do w/ my life. My scrapbook business needs some work. I definitely have goals for myself. I wish myself endless energy & confidence to achieve ALL of my ambitions. I'm receiving ALL good things into my life.

Additionally, we're also focusing on starting a family. Another thing to think about, but it's not a stressor - it's a PLEASURE! I'm so excited to get pregnant! I think my life will DRAMATICALLY change for the better. Having a little one will be a challenge, but I desperately need a change.

It's funny that I don't write in here more often. I often observe fuuny things during the day that deserve to be blogged, but once I sit at the computer - I feel mute. I want to CHANGE that and channel my CREATIVITY and ENERGY!

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Memories of me

More than week in the house now, and we're still sorting through boxes. I'm amazed how much stuff we've accumulated. I feel like my writing has seriously suffered over the past while. I really blame law school and being a lawyer. It has really sucked the joy, sunniness, & frivolity of my past life. Or maybe...I'm just getting older. But I find it hard to believe how my creativity can be so stunted. Words used to flow - create magic on the page. I long to have the succulent style that used to define me when I was fun & fabulous. I feel boring, sterile and predictable.

"What does love feel like? I imagine love to be simple, yest acutely complex; fluid, yet thick; supernatural, yet starkly real; spilling over, yet just enough. I want to be fully met on every level by my partner. I want to be sloppy & seep out the edges. I want to do backbends and headstands, and sing wildly. I want love to be too much. I want to be frightened and comforted by love. I want to believe and trust and dance." - April 12, 2000

As we put together my scrapbooking room tonight, I dreamed of the day when I can work from home with my own custom scrapbook design business - Scrapendipity. I can CREATE and CONTROL my life...

I want SARK. I want Sabrina Ward Harrison. I want to publish. I want to CREATE. I want to live a FULL life that is joyful & optimistic & bright.

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May Update...

Things have really changed over the last couple of weeks. Adair and I have decided to start a family - or at least stop preventing a family. We've been so busy with the new house plans for the last while, and will continue to be stressed/busy for the next couple of months, that we're going to let life take its course. But after that, I want our focus to shift towards our family. We were actually reading about the trend towards "Procreation Vacations" - going away for a week of relaxation, sun-bathing, spa treatmeants & sexy time!

Seriously - I'm so over work. I like my job and my colleagues, but I strongly feel that there is more to life - my life - than working 9-5. Adair is excited about the baby, but I secretly wish he was more excited and "into" it. I want him to be concerned about my diet/exercise and vitamins etc, but he isn't. I don't think he knows all that's required in the business of baby-making :) I want to go for a WALK to Shoppers tonight to by some pre-natal vitamins.

SO - AGAIN - I'm going to focus on my perfect weight. This is not for me anymore - it's for our little Aviva or Judah! Or Lilith or Asher! (baby names are so fun!) I have to ELIMINATE caffeine - no more diet pepsis!!! I have to drink tons of water, fresh fruit & veggies, whole grains & protein. I ALSO have to exercise! Running is my PASSION - tv is my DISTRACTION! I also love love love my belly dancing!

Adair and I also re-finished my dresser! It looks amazing! It's now white w/ periwinkle blue underneath - and I distressed it so it looks all antique-y. It's really gorgeous!

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stick wit it

I sometimes find it a challenge to keep promises to myself. I bend over backwards to keep my word to others - whether it be family, work or church obligations. But when it comes to ME - I find it easy to give up on myself. I don't put myself and my priorities and my NEEDS first. I promise myself to work out, but I get tired with work etc. I promise to read my scriptures, but I always find some excuse to justify or Rational LIES why I don't do what I know I should. I want to work on my website/business - but I just watch tv instead. This is not my ideal life. This is not an extraordinary life. I can do better because I know better.

I'm excited for this new week with new opportunities for me to shine and amaze myself. I will wake up early to run because I simply love it. I will wake up early to meditate because it centres me. I will wake up early to pray and read my scriptures because that makes me a whole person. I will eat clean and go to the gym because I value my perfect weight - and fashion!

Our new house is just over a month away. I'm so happy and grateful now that we have more than enough money to pay for our house and furnishings for our new digs. The house is still mostly a shell, but it's really coming together. I'm excited to style the house and have some breathing space. We are blessed with such an abundant life.

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a great start to a FANTASTIC week!

As my alarm went off at 5:30 am, my first thought was gratitude. I am so grateful that I took the necessary time this weekend to plan my goals. Part of Maggie's Winning Day includes morning AND evening runs, so with a gratfeul and hopeful heart - I laced up my runners and enjoyed the quiet and beautiful morning. I stretched when I got back, went into the backyard and read the Book of Mormon, and then I meditated! I haven't meditated before. I focused on my breath, and tried to shut out any distractions. I focused on positives flowing into my life, and exhaling negative energy.

Today I'm going to have a GREAT productive day at work. I'm feeling energized and confident. After work, I'm going to go for another run, type out my goals (so I can laminate them!), create 3 scrapbook pages, and then go for a long walk with Ginger & Adair.

Life is so good. I'm so blessed...

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what a great day!

This work week has been one of my most challenging in the last 6 months. I'm learning that as I do my best, even more is expected of me. I just need to ensure that I'm still having FUN! B/c what's the point if you're not having fun?!

Today was MY day! The weather was warm, the sun was bright - there was not a cloud in the sky. I woke up early DYING to go running!!! I wore my hot new ZEBRA running skirt, laced up my Mizunos and ran like the wind! It was brilliant! I ran to our new house and discovered that the workers were putting up scaffolding to brick the house this week! So very exciting.

The rest of the day was spent outside. I even wore my tankini in hopes of bronzing my pasty white skin! I worked on "The Art & Science of Achieving Your Life's Goals & Dreams" by John Assaraf. It's an amazing program. I put in a lot of time today to developing a PLAN for SUCCESS. I'm very excited for my future. I am setting myself up for brilliant success.

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WANTS and REWARDS

I want to create a VISION BOARD

• perfect weight of 110 lbs
• running, strength training, yoga
• meditation
• visualization
• re-envisioning my relationship with food and exercise
  
• increased income from multiple sources
• unlimited wealth and prosperity
• The Science of Getting Rich
  
• harmony and peace
  
• Scrapendipity success!
• scrapbook designer
• interior designer/decorator
  
• live artfully
• real estate
• perfect organization
• surround myself with like people
• enrich relationship with Adair
  
• most productive use of time each day!
  
• stress-free living
• travel to belize & france & singapore & morocco & israel & LA
  
• teach scrapbooking/card-making to kids/teens
• start a family within the next year
• belly dance - belly bella!
  
• ballroom dance queen!
• what you think about and thank about - you bring about
• designer clothes
• TV journalist
• magazine contributor
• plant a garden
• Live out loud!
• Connect with God daily
• Attract all good things into my life
  

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Secret seminar

Wow! I am so abundantly blessed. Yesterday I had the amazing opportunity to attend a seminar featuring 5 teachers of the The Secret. The day started off with my grrrl - Lisa Nichols. She is so warm and engaging. My absolute fav of the day - the guy who INSPIRED ME to DO SOMETHING NEW - is John Assaraf. I know that Scrapendipity is going to be a HUGE success. I know that I have a millionaire mind and that I will achieve my goals.

I need to be CLEAR about my goals - Where am I now? Where do I want to be? What do I want to do?

I need some short term and long term goals.

I NEED TO FIGURE IT OUT!!!!

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From fat to fierce...

I feel INSPIRED tonight to make a change. I don't know if it's my vanity, my passion for fashion, or my dedication to healthy living, I really feel like I want to get serious about my perfect weight. I rediscovered this Oxygen Fat Loss magazine that I had originally bought in January, but didn't read it because I was having a tough time. I found it tonight in my cleaning/organizing frenzy, and began to read it. The articles are amazing.

I know that the ONLY person that can lose my weight is ME. No pill or crazy fad diet is going to dissolve my fat. I must eat clean, do lots of cardio and weight train. It's as simple as that. This isn't a "diet" - it's a serious commitment to a lifestyle change. I want Adair to work on this with me. I think it will be encouraging to do it together.

I need to plan my meals. I need to get some good, whole, healthy foods. I need a cooler to pack my food daily. I need to run every morning - rain or shine - no matter what. I need to go to the gym 4 days a week to weight train. I need my personal trainer! I need get enough sleep. I need to believe in myself.

I always wonder why I continue to perpetuate this problem. I've been on a diet since I was eight years old. I know that the Secret teaches that I must get "weight loss" out of my head, or else I will attract having to lose more weight. The Secret instructs that true "weight loss" comes through the creative process (ask, believe, receive) and focusing on our perfect weight.

I thought my perfect weight was 130lbs, but I secretly know that my perfect weight is much lower (like 110-115 lbs). I think achieving this perfect weight is an exciting challenge. What a brilliant accomplishment it will be when I will achieve this perfect weight. I'm totally exhilarated by my dedication to my perfect weight.

I'm excited to receive my perfect weight because I will free myelf from the daily drama/anxiety/depression/obsession that is involved in my overweight experience. I also want the freedom to wear gorgeous clothing and look FIERCE in them! It's on now!! Perfect weight - here I come!

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making it work redux

Today has been one of those days. I know tomorrow will be better. I was in a lot of physical pain today, more than I've experienced in a very long time. I came home early and rested my body. I feel stronger and the pain is greatly reduced. I had a great day at work otherwise. I just want to focus on the positive.

I got my business cards yesterday and they're amazing. I passed some out at work today and received a lot of positive feedback. I need to get my website up asap. I feel so great about my business.

I want to work out harder. I want to be my best physical self. I want to challenge myself more and more. I want to be hotter, stronger and leaner. I want to eat better. I want to be more flexible. I want to be sassier. I want to be believe in myself. I will never give up on me.

Ok - I want to get hair extensions REALLY bad. I got some faux clip-ins, but I want the real ones. Once I make some money at my business, I'll splurge on my hair. I think I'll make my extensions my reward for progress to my perfect weight of 130 lbs.

I feel like I'm on the verge of something really really fantastic. I don't know exactly what it is, but I'm envisioning big success. I feel outrageous and exhilarated.

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More on perfection...

I was just out for a walk, reflecting on all I am grateful for, and it hit me how much my life has changed since discovering the Secret in February. I've lost 11 lbs. I've started my own scrapbooking business. I feel better than I have in ages. I am happier than I've been in a very long time. I take time to reflect and to set goals for myself. My relationships with family, friends and co-workers are more meaningful. I am dazzled. I am enriched. I am so very thankful.

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Feeling Perfection

Today is my 28th birthday. I feel amazing and so blessed. I am so happy with the life I have created. I am receiving my perfect weight and I feel healthy and strong. I had a great run this morning and I'm going to relax for the rest of the day.

I've been worried about money lately, so I want to focus more on attracting wealth and prosperity.

I want to work harder on Scrapendipity Designs. I haven't scrapbooked a whole lot lately, and I know that living creatively and artfully makes me whole.

I'm looking forward to The Secret workshop this weekend. I think it will give me the motivation to bring myself to the next level.

So despite all my worries/stresses/inadequacies - I know that I am feeling perfection now and attracting all good things into my life. I am so very grateful. I have an amazing husband, the cutest puppy ever, a wonderful job, a very healthy body, a supportive family, fabulous friends, and an overall charmed life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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